


Grief

by AdminInResidence



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: 104th Training Corps - Freeform, Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family Feels, Five Stages of Grief, Near Death Experiences, Other, Platonic Relationships, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-21
Updated: 2020-11-24
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:07:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27660440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AdminInResidence/pseuds/AdminInResidence
Summary: The reader believes that their time has finally come, only to find out that they must continue on. In order to get back to their body they must traverse through old memories, make amends, and come to terms with life and death itself. However, they don't have to fight alone.
Relationships: Armin Arlert & Reader, Eren Yeager & Reader, Erwin Smith & Reader, Hange Zoë & Reader, Hannes & Reader, Levi & Reader, Marco Bott & Reader, Mikasa Ackerman & Reader, Mike Zacharias & Reader, Moblit Berner & Reader
Comments: 1
Kudos: 24





	1. Denial

**Author's Note:**

> For background information: The Reader grew up in Shiganshina, friends with Eren, Armin, and Mikasa. They joined the 104th Cadet Corps to stay with their friends. Later on, they were chosen to join Mike Zacharias and his squad. The reader also fought alongside Erwin Smith.

Waking up wasn’t something you were expecting.

Your last thoughts had been filled with fear, fear of what was to come, what would be, when you finally drew your last breath. Your final sight had been of Erwin, charging fearlessly into battle, all around you giant boulders, rocks, pebbles hurtled through the air. Your forces had been wiped out in a matter of minutes, you had heard the screams of your comrades, saw with your own eyes as they were blown away by the force of the rocks.

You weren’t even sure what had hit you in the end.

So waking up was definitely not something you were expecting at all.

You could see birds flying overhead when you finally opened your eyes, blinking rapidly as sun rays flashed through the tree leaves above you. The sky was bright blue, nary a cloud in the sky. Around you was a meadow filled with wildflowers of all different assortments. There was a small pond just down the hill which you laid upon, and dragonflies flitted around the surface. The tree you had sat under, a great willow, cast you in a small bit of cool shade.

You had been here before, in a time that seemed so long ago.

You sat up slowly, expecting some sort of pain, ache, something that proved what you had just gone through wasn’t just a dream, some sort of horrible nightmare.

But instead, you just felt peaceful.

You took a deep breath in, the scent of the wildflowers wafting together to fill your nose. A smile came over your face. You hadn’t felt like this in such a long time, happy. Alive...

Out of the corner of your eye, you caught a figure lumbering around the pond. Tall, blonde hair, a smile reserved solely for you upon their face. You smiled in return, rising and racing down the hill.

Mike’s arms opened wide and you collided into him wrapping your arms tightly around the Section Commander. You had no control over the tears that leaked from your eyes or the sobs that tore through your chest. But there was no teasing from the man, he simply hugged you tighter and rubbed his hand soothingly up and down your back.

“I’m sorry!” You whimpered, “I didn’t want to leave you.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for. You followed my orders, that’s all I could ask for.” Mike said.

You thought back to the last time you had seen Mike, your Section Commander, the man who had personally requested you to join his squad. He had taught you everything you knew, how to judge a titan’s distance by smell, he had trained you fresh out of the Cadet Corps, took you under his wing like a little sibling, and had helped you rise up the ranks. All to be pulled away from you when the Titan’s had seemingly broken through Wall Rose. He had ordered you and the others to warn the outlying villages of the threat, and you had ridden away, watching as Mike had raced off in the opposite direction to his death.

Pulling away from Mike, he gently gripped your shoulders.

“Hardly any time has passed and you're so much different.” Mike said, pride filling his eyes, “So strong, confident, you made me so proud going fearlessly into battle.”

Tears filled Mike’s eyes and your heart dropped, the smile fell off your face.

_“You can’t stay here little one,”_ Mike whispered.

“What are you talking about?” You asked, “I don’t understand, I-I died! I know I did…I’m done fighting, no more.”

Mike shook his head, hands dropping down to grip your arms.

“Not yet.” Mike said, “Your not done fighting yet.”

Your heart shattered, and your knees wobbled for only a moment before collapsing under your weight.

“I can’t go on anymore,” You sobbed, “It’s too hard, I don’t want to go through this anymore, everyday someone else dies, someone else goes away and I’ll never get to see them again. YOU left me! Alone!”

Clouds began to form overhead and covered the sun’s warmth, the meadow cast into shadows.

“I know, but you have so much left to do in the world.” Mike hummed gently, sitting cross-legged in front of you. “Who’s going to help Hange with all of her silly experiments? Or have tea with Levi at 3 in the morning, even though you always have early training and never get enough sleep to be awake?”

Your lower lip wobbled.

“Who’s going to be there to break through Mikasa’s walls when she builds them up so high? Who’s going to fill Armin’s head with dreams of what lay beyond the wall? Who’s going to remind Eren that even though he can turn into a titan, he isn’t the monster he thinks he is?” Mike continued.

“There are other people-“

“But they aren’t you. You’re the one who grew up with Eren, Armin, and Mikasa. You’re the one who willingly offered to help Hange with all of her hair-brained experiments, you’re the only one who can handle Levi’s shitty attitude and still get a smile out of him-“

“Even though he denies it the next morning.” You said softly. Mike laughed thinking back to his old life.

“And what about your other friends? The other members of the 104th?” Mike’s soft look changed. “You're not done yet, it's just not your time.”

Your heart ached.

“I’m tired.” You whimpered pitifully shaking your head, “I’m so tired Mike.”

Mike gave you a soft smile, “I know you are but that’s why you can’t stay here. Your soul can’t be in two places at once little one, you need to go home.”

You shook your head harder.

“Come here little one,” Mike said, drawing you down so your head could rest in his lap.

“It’s time for you to go back,” Mike said again.

“I don’t even know how to get back.” You whispered. “I just woke up here.”

Mike smiled.

“I’m not going to lie to you little one, the way back is hard, harder than anything you’ve faced before, But you don’t have to worry...”

Mike grabbed your hand in his own.

“You don’t have to do it alone this time. You have people who will help you go back, and soon this will all feel like a dream.”

“I don’t want to leave you.” You admitted.

“You’re not leaving me little one. Just like I haven’t left you. I’ve always been with you, looking out for you, watching over you.” Mike said, his other hand beginning to card gently through your hair.

Your eyes felt tired but you forced them to stay open.

The two of you sat in a period of silence for a little while, Mike continuing to run his fingers through your hair and you watching the clouds drift on. Eventually, despite how hard you tried, your eyelids begin to droop.

“I’m scared.” You whispered. Mike chuckled lightly.

“There’s no reason to be scared here little one, this place is filled with love, and filled with people who love you. Now rest little one. _The journey ahead is long…_ ”


	2. Anger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time shifts and you wake back up once more, this time you confront someone from your childhood.

Waking up was harder this time, partially because you had little clue to where you were, and secondly, because there was an ache forming in your bones.

It took longer to come to your senses this time around, but by the time you had sat up you had a vague recollection of where you were, you were reminded of a time when you had just been a child. After a horrific nightmare came to life when titans had flooded through a hole in the wall and you had lost your family.

“Here kid.”

Sitting against the brick wall you had once sat against as a child, a loaf of bread was thrown into your lap.

A figure slid along the wall beside you and came to a stop sitting beside you.

“Where are we, Hannes?” You asked, looking to the Garrison Regiment soldier.

“Hell, if I could tell you, I never paid much attention to you kids after everything that happened,” Hannes answered. “Would you eat some of that, don’t want you to waste away in front of me.”

You complied with the older man’s orders, tearing into the bread.

It was unlike anything you had tasted before, the bread tasted like a homecooked meal, like something out of a fairy tale. It reminded you of all your favorite things all bunched together.

“Crazy isn’t it. People never go hungry here, there’s always enough for anyone.”

“That includes drink?” You muttered softly, “You always had a particular _taste_ for the stuff.”

“That too. Except it’s even better.” Hannes gave a thumbs up.

The two of you lapsed into silence for a moment before Hannes threw you a goofy grin.

“What's with your face.” You muttered.

“Nothing, nothing. Just your all grown up now kid.” Hannes looked off into the distance. “I regret not checking in on you kids more than I did.”

You frowned.

“Why didn’t you?” You asked, “We didn’t have anyone left, any friendly face coming in, saying hello, I know it would have made me feel better.”

“I guess I was a coward. I just couldn’t face you kids, after everything, letting Eren’s mom-“ Hannes cut himself off, “Can’t even say it, but even your old folks I couldn’t save.”

You jerked your head towards the blonde man.

“My parents?” You gasped.

“Yeah, on my way to find you kids, they were looking all over for you and I promised them I was going to find you, but by the time I brought you kids back, your parents were gone…I never found out what happened to them. I suspected the worst after a couple of weeks."

“You asked?” You said.

“Of course I did.” Hannes said bitterly, “I couldn’t stand the thought of you kids off on your own. Figured if I could find any of your family members, at least you four kids would be somewhere safe. But I couldn’t. Then you guys went off and joined the Cadet Corps."

You felt your heartbeat flutter in your chest and you clenched your fists.

“Well, why didn’t you take us in then!? Armin’s grandfather even had to go beyond the walls to fight for some pointless battle that no one was going to win! We were on our own for months until we were old enough to enter into the corps!” You yelled. “We had NO ONE.”

Hannes frowned looking at you.

“What good would I have been? An old man addicted to drinking who couldn’t even do his own job when it came down to it. I couldn’t take you kids in, so I needed to change.”

You shut your mouth before any more words could slip out you may regret.

“I worked harder than ever, thought if I could become something better, maybe I could have saved more people, helped you kids, took you in. I rose through the ranks all by myself, with the work I did myself.”

“You became a Captain.” You whispered, thinking back to the few moments you had shared with the older man before his death.

Leaning back against the wall you sighed.

“You're just too hard on yourself.” You admit. “None of that you could control. You know, back when everything went to shit."

Hannes frowned, "Language."

“A man’s pride is his own, and just like the events that happened, you can’t control a man’s pride. And mine, well mine was shattered pretty good after everything.” Hanne's admitted.

You slipped your eyes shut briefly for a second listening to the man, and you snapped them open when you felt your head lull.

“Just so you know, we would have been happy either way.” You admitted, “You becoming a Captain, finally taking your job seriously, that was great, but if you had taken us in, that would have been nice too.”

“So you're saying that you're proud of me kid?” Hanne’s laughed.

“I’m saying that I’m thankful…” You let out a loud yawn, head slipping onto Hanne’s shoulder.

“ _Thankful to have known a person as brave as you…”_


	3. Bargaining

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You wake again, this time meeting an old friend.

For the first time since waking up in whatever this strange place was, heaven? The afterlife? Your old scattered memories?

Wherever this was, the point is that you work up alone.

The wind howled and whipped harshly against you, snow blowing around you and sending shivers up and down your spine. Your left side held a horrible ache, and your arm throbbed. You had to force yourself to rise to your feet, no longer being able to lay in the snow you had woken in.

Your clothes weren’t suited for this weather, you would have needed the winter training jacket to even feel a tad bit of warmth in this weather. Instead, you were stuck in your old Scout clothes from the battle.

Winter training….

Turning around in a full circle you began to recognize where you were. Wrapping yourself in your jacket as much as you could you began hobbling in the direction of the Cabins you had all stayed at during training.

You could hardly see where you were going, through the storm and the dark, more than once you had bumped into a stray branch or tripped in a deep snow drift.

After the 6th time of falling into the snow you let out a frustrated cry, cold tears dripping down your face.

What was the point of this!?

Why was everyone so intent on sending you back!?

Why didn’t you get to rest like everyone else!?

“Didn’t take you as the type for giving up…you always were like a little ray of sun shining on all of us.” A warm voice called to you.

Light spilled onto the snow around you and you looked up to the figure holding the lantern.

“You left without me, I’m a bit offended, we’re supposed to do this together.” Marco smiled, reaching down with a gloved hand, “Now come on, let me give you a hand up.”

“M-Marco?” You whimpered, gaping at your freckled friend.

“Hi there… you're looking a bit tired.” Marco smiled.

You shakily gripped his hand as he pulled up.

“Your freezing!” Marco gasped, wrapping his arms around you. “Sorry I wasn’t here sooner.”

“Marco-I-“

“I know… Come on…there's a spot we can rest at ahead.”

Leading the two of you along Marco held your hand tightly in his. Despite not having a jacket, you felt warmth radiate around your body.

“Marco, what happened?” You whimpered. “I thought you were ok, and then Jean and I found you.”

“I learned a secret I wasn’t supposed to know, something no one was supposed to know.” Marco answered simply, “Ah! We’re here! Come sit down!”

Leading you into a small clearing, Marco blew out the flame inside the lantern, the light being supplied instead by a warm fire in the middle of the clearing. Two logs sat across from each other and Marco nabbed a seat before gesturing to the other log.

You took a seat hesitantly, shocked to see the boy you had spent so much time with whole and well again.

“I’m sorry you and Jean had to see me like that,” Marco said. “I know how much it affected you guys.”

“Jean joined the Survey Corps.” You blurted out, “After what happened to you, he couldn’t stand by any longer. You’d be proud.”

Marco gave his warm smile.

“I am proud, proud of Jean every day for overcoming his fears and joining in the survey corps. And I’m proud of you for joining the survey corps as well. It wasn’t an easy choice for you.” Marco said.

He was right, it hadn’t been an easy choice. You had fully intended on joining the Survey Corps until everything in Trost, after you carried so many doubts about what your life may become if you joined. It wasn’t until Mike had confronted you on your successful leadership skills and valiant battle tactics you had used that you decided to join and Mike had taken you under his wing.

"You watched over us?" You asked softly.

"I watched over everyone, all of my old friends."

"What about Annie, Reiner, Bertholt?" You asked. Marco smiled warmly.

"Even them..."

You both lapsed into a period of silence, listening to the wind howl through the tree branches.

“You’ll tell Jean hello for me when you get back home right?” Marco said shyly. “I miss him a lot.”

“Marco…I just, I don’t think I can go back.”

“You have to!” Marco exclaimed, “You can’t stay here…your body is getting weaker…”

So that explained the odd aches and pains. You had surmised it up to the cold…

“Why can’t I just stay here…haven’t I fought enough?” You whimpered, “I miss you, and I miss Mike…I even miss Hannes…and all the others, Petra, even Oluo!”

“You’ve fought hard, and well.” Marco said rising up and moving to your side, “But you're just not done yet.”

“Why…WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP SAYING THAT!” You exclaimed. “I’m done! DONE! I can’t do it anymore…I’m so tired, I just want to rest…”

You buried your head in your hands. Marco gently rubbed your back.

“What do I have to do Marco, what do I have to do to stay here?”

You shut your eyes for a second waiting for his response.

_“To stay, you have to go.”_


	4. Depression

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the reader continues their journey, they come across some friends from long ago.

You had woken in bed.

Your body was on fire, your left side entirely from head to toe burned and you cried in pain. Through the vast pain, you vaguely recognized your old quarters that you had when you had joined Mike’s squad. You weren’t sure how long you laid in pain before a soft knock echoed on your door. You didn’t get a chance to reply before the door swung open slightly.

“Oh dear, you're looking a little rough!” Petra gasped, bursting over to your side.

“P-petra?”

“Can you stand?” Petra asked softly.

Sitting up was a hassle, but the girl was determined and soon enough with one arm looped under your arms and your arm draped over her neck. Petra led the way as the two of you hobbled down the halls.

“We-were home?” You asked.

“Kind of… you're still not home yet. But there’s someone who should be able to help make you feel a bit better before you finish up the journey. You can’t give up yet…” Petra explained.

Stopping outside a familiar door, Petra gave a sharp knock.

“Moblit? Are you busy…our guest is here?”

The door opened quickly and the welcomed face of Hange’s assistant poked his head out.

“You’re here!” Moblit smiled, “Come in!”

Helping you to a chair, Petra pulled back after letting you settle down.

“I’ll bring back some tea for you.” The girl smiled before leaving you with Moblit.

“You’ve done well to come so far.” Moblit says, “Mind telling me what your thoughts are, I’m trying to finish up some research for Hange…she’ll be excited to see everything that I have for her.”

Your heart panged.

You missed Hange…

“Sorry, that may be a bit insensitive…I guess Hange rubbed off on me after all…I’ve been conducting research for quite a while ever since, well you know,” Moblit admitted.

Your ears picked up on a group of voices coming closer.

“Hange has done well though, I’m proud of her.” Moblit admitted, “Do you think she knows that?”

You didn’t have the strength to speak, merely nodding your head in response.

“I’m glad…I don’t think I ever told her that enough,” Moblit said.

The voices grew closer.

“But I suppose you’ll be able to tell everyone how proud we are…you guys have done well, I know it doesn’t seem like it sometimes.”

You looked at the door.

“Oh…it seems some people haven’t gotten the memo…we didn’t want to overwhelm you.” Moblit admitted, “You guys can come in…”

The door opened once more, Petra sheepishly standing Infront, a cup of tea in hand. Behind her stood Eld, Oluo, and Gunther.

Your eyes watered.

Stepping into the room the members of Levi’s Squad found areas to sit or rest upon, the Room divulging into various chatter. Petra handed you the teacup, which you shakily accepted.

Taking a sip, you thought that Hannes was right, even the drinks were special wherever this place was.

The tea was rich and perfect, and with just a change of your thoughts, the flavor would accommodate. If you thought it to be bitter, it would grow just a bit sweeter. Petra caught your face and she laughed.

“Things aren’t bad around here…although there definitely different.” She admitted.

“Levi would kill for this,” You admitted, feeling your strength minorly restored.

“For the tea? Too bad we can’t send you back with some.” Eld laughed.

“No…not the tea…just to have you guys back.” You admitted, thinking of the late nights that Levi would spend sleeplessly thinking about old friends and memories.

You missed the Captain.

“Now you're just being sensitive.” Oluo frowned, “Besides we’re distracting you from the real point…”

Your heart fluttered softly and you felt a pull.

Eld smiled, noticing your change of expression.

“Better get going…I think you're just about ready.”

You set the teacup down, standing on your own two feet.

You felt strong again, the ache in your side beginning to ebb…you had somewhere to be and someone was calling for you.

“Say hello to the Captain!” Petra smiled.

“And to Hange,” Moblit added.

“I will…” You whispered softly, “I’ll miss you guys.”

“Don’t worry…we’ll see each other again someday,” Gunther added.

You headed to the door, casting one last look at the people you had lost, then you opened the door and stepped into the bright light.

_“I see… you're almost there…”_


	5. Acceptance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The reader comes to their final hurdle, reuniting with an important figure in their life. However, the hardest part is still yet to come. Stay, or go?

“Shiganshina?” You questioned looking around.

“Yes…the ruins of Shiganshina…” Erwin answered.

When you had slipped through the door you had stepped out onto the tiled roofs of the houses in Shiganshina. Although timeworn and weather ruined, it still resembled home. Erwin Smith stood upon the roof, facing the wall.

“Commander…”

“Erwin…you can call me Erwin, there are no titles in death. We’re all the same here…although, you are a bit different.” The blonde smiled at you.

You sighed crouching down and wrapping your arms around your knees.

“I don’t understand…I felt ready, but I’m not back yet? Where am I going?” You asked softly.

“Perhaps you need a bit of a memory refresher…come on, we’re just a few houses down…” Erwin held a hand to you.

Grabbing his larger hand he pulled you along the rooftops.

Out of the corner of your eye, you saw a group of cadets race down the path.

“We’re going to be late, hurry.” Erwin urged running faster.

“No-no!” Hange screamed in the distance.

Hearing your friends scream you ran faster, passing Erwin. You blinked in shock as you came to a stop.

“They-they aren’t dead!” Hange whimpered, pressing her hand to your pulse point.

Your body’s pulse point.

“That’s me…” You whispered.

“This is your death…or rather your near death. You control your story from here, you’ve been asleep for quite a bit.” Erwin grabbed your hand and gave a small pull, the vision of your body being cradled in Hange’s arms, Levi desperately shaking you, shifted and changed. Colors zoomed by and before long, another room began to take shape.

Finally, your eyes settled and you recognized your body in a large bed, medical equipment surrounding you.

“The doctors are doing the very best they can,” Historia announced.

You and Erwin watched as the valiant girl walked in with your friends towing behind her.

“The rest is up to her though, she has to fight through this battle by herself,” Historia admitted.

“But she’s going to be ok right?” Jean whispered looking at your body, your left side was covered in bandages.

“I can’t say, I’m sorry,” Historia admitted.

Levi scoffed, crossing across the room to sit beside you. He gently rose a hand to your body’s face and tucked a lock of hair behind your ear.

“They’re strong, there going to be fine,” Levi said although it sounded like he was trying to reassure himself than the others.

You looked to Erwin as the people inside the room began to speed up, time flowing quicker as you caught up with the days you had missed. You watched as the sun rose and set out your window, people visited you every day. Armin would read to you in the mornings, a stack of books growing as he finished reading them to you.

Hange would talk to you about anything and everything, her doubts, and insecurities shining through as she cried by your bedside, typically coming in the afternoon when everyone else had something to do.

Levi came in the night, setting a cup of tea by your bedside, he would sip at his own cup until he ran out and then he would leave, carrying your cup away. He never said much, but he always liked to keep his thoughts to himself anyway.

Mikasa worked by your bedside whenever she could, sewing your jacket back together. She would murmur some things to you and watch you occasionally, searching for any sign of your awakening.

Jean visited you every night, and you could tell how hard it was for him, no doubt reminding himself of when he and you had discovered Marco. But he never faltered once, always coming in at the exact same time. He would always share old memories of you two, or even you three, thinking back to your old Cadet days with Marco. You wished you could just wake up and tell him it was ok, Marco was ok...but no matter what you tried you couldn't will yourself back to your body.

Sasha and Connie would always sneak in, trying to wake you with your favorite foods, but always slinking back out when you were unsuccessful.

Eren would visit you shortly when the moon had come out, he never said much, he had touched your hand once and a soft smile had come over his face, the rest of the time he would sit by your bedside quietly.

Historia even visited when she could, talking about this and that before begging you to wake up so you could cheer everyone up.

You sighed as time began to slow back to normal, the time now going by as fast as any other person living in the world. Historia sat beside your bed once more, quietly humming an old tune under her breath as she watched over you.

It appears that you had finally caught up on what you missed. A warm hand on your shoulder brought your attention back to the blonde Commander by your side.

“You are needed here,” Erwin said softly before turning.

You followed his gaze seeing a bright light shining.

“However, I don’t control your story. The choice is yours, to stay here and save your friends, help them feel better, raise them up when they feel low…or you can go.”

Squinting you could make out the form of Mike, Marco, Hannes, Petra, and Moblit...and all of the other friends you had lost along the way.

“I-I can go?” You whispered, taking a step forwards.

A sharp gasp echoed behind you, and you looked to see Historia’s wide eyes stare at the heart monitor, your heartbeat slowing.

You took another small step, your heartrate faltering.

Every step you took, you took towards death...

“As you can see. I don’t control this.” Erwin admitted, turning and walking into the light.

_“This choice is yours and yours alone.”_


End file.
